silentinfinite.com/blog

Video I shot while waiting for a flight at JFK and transiting at Narita. Also posted on YouTube if you prefer that.

(Originally written: 23rd July 09 @ 01:27 am)

Philadelphia's Magic Gardens

“The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you’ve gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you’ve gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you’ve gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man who has forgotten the words so I can talk with him?”

- Chuang Tzu

I started crying, I really started crying when I looked back at my journal right now and saw that Chuang Tzu quote. I copied it down here this afternoon when I glimpsed it on my MetroCard. Most MetroCards (at least the ones that I have) don’t have quotes. This one did. It struck me as being particularly significant, though I couldn’t discern exactly why. I almost didn’t copy it down here but felt like I had to, even though I felt that I didn’t grasp it fully.

Then I read it a few minutes ago and something clicked. And I got exactly what it is about…

Manhattan, evening light

Is this it then? I came here to experience love. True love. I love this place and I love the people I met here. This trip has really, truly healed me, it’s made things right in my heart. The blockage I felt in my heart for many, many years is now gone.

Once you experience what you want to experience, you can let go of the circumstances of your experience. It’s time to let go.

First day in PA

Yes, something has ended. That beautiful period where everything flowed like magic. But it’s time to understand where that magic came from and bring it into my life again, this time consciously. It’s time to let go and see, really see where these things stand in the world.

On a forest walk in PA

I’m willing to love truly and unconditionally for the first time. I’m opening my heart again after being hurt badly.

Whatever happens now, I have developed an inner strength within me. I may not have many possessions and I may not have much money or status in this world but what I have developed in the last few months I know is something that – unlike everything else in this transient world – I can take with me when I die. I just know this.

Coney Island

Today at Coney Island, Carlos and I stood on the pier and looked out to the Atlantic Ocean. He remarked how in the past, people thought that the horizon was the limit of the world simply because they could not see past it. But anyone travelling in a ship would know that the horizon was not the end – there was infinitely more than that, but how could you convey this to someone whose point of view was the beach or the pier?

Then I started to wonder – is death like this too? Perhaps from the point of view of the living, death seems like the end. But maybe when you really go through it as a first hand observer, at the moment of passing through it you realize that it is really far from an end – it’s an entrance into a wider world.

And so there is nothing to fear.

(Originally written: 21st July 09 @ 6:49pm)

Just for the record - I hated this place.

I realized Times Square is the last place you want to be at on a Friday night. Got lost looking for the Port Authority Bus Terminal, had absolutely no cash because I’d been afraid to go to an ATM alone for about a week, felt really frustrated but eventually got tickets for the 10pm bus. Night bus was scary – just like taking the night bus to Malaysia. I guess bus drivers speeding ridiculously at night is a global phenomenon. Never sit right at the back near the rear wheels. Why do I always do this?

I’ve been here, in America, for 5 weeks. How have I acclimatized to life so quickly? I haven’t in many ways, so I try to reassure myself whenever I feel stressed out. It is difficult. But I love it. I still love it so much. I still don’t want to leave. I only want to leave out of fear – that’s all. But more than anything what I really fear is returning to Singapore, to the horrible self-hating lifestyle I used to have. But I guess I can never really go back to that. I’m trying to move past having a concept of myself and trying to move towards living life directly. Direct contact with life is what I have always wanted. It’s totally possible here and now in this body.

Beautiful place near Reading, PA.

I could definitely push myself to be able to live here… I’m still thinking – should I do this? Should I – once again – sacrifice my free time (and possibly freedom of thought) and try to enter that world once more? I can finish a degree easily if I want to. It would make immigration & work matters so much easier… It’s just – do I want to enter that world of doing something just to get a certain result? That process will change me – do I want to be changed like that? I’m still considering this. I’m still leaning towards ‘no’ because I am really fucking stubborn and I want things to work for me, my way because I know that it is possible because I’ve seen that others have done it.

I have to conform to something – the will of my heart or the will of society. The first path is so much harder, but so much more worth it and much easier in the long run, I know. Conforming to the will of society I see as being synonymous with health/mental problems. I do not want to go back to who I was in late 2007. I really fear that.

We have to choose our battles.

It bothers me because part of me is still depressed and anxious and I’m trying so hard not to focus on certain things, like – what will happen in the next few weeks? For once, I really can’t say – because things are so different here.

Philadelphia, PA

Unlike in Singapore, anything can happen in America. There are more possibilities open here. Or is this just a state of mind that I can bring with me anywhere I go? I’ve realized that although environment plays a huge factor in wellbeing & ability to live a good life, what’s more important is one’s state of mind & habits. I have nightmares of returning to Singapore. I have nightmares that this whole thing is over… I’ve decided that it will be over once I run out of cash and sadly I’m approaching that point. 2 more weeks of trying and that will be it. My life is truly on the wind now, isn’t it? It feels like it.

Philadelphia's Magic Gardens - I loved this place.

But I firmly believe that if you really, truly love something, you’ll have to let it go and it will have to come back to you. That’s just the way it is. I can’t hold on anymore because so much is beyond my control. I truly have to learn to let go. I am learning. I am thankful for what I’ve experienced here. It’s healed me, it’s helped me grow as a person.

Philadelphia's Magic Gardens.

Anyway, something is really happening in my life. In my subconscious, something very significant is taking place. I can’t really sense exactly what it is yet but this trip has affected me in ways that I cannot yet understand. I know this because my dreams are getting a lot stranger, I can barely even remember them anymore. And I feel like I’m anticipating something about to happen. Something rather huge. We will see in the next few weeks.

Chris being a badass in Philly.

On Saturday night Chris & I went to a Chinese restaurant in Reading, PA for dinner. Interestingly, our fortune cookies said things extremely relevant to our current life situations (which we had an extended conversation about over dinner). This is what mine said: “Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.”

(Note from the present: I’ve decided to jump back & forth on these travel journals instead of posting them chronologically like I originally intended. I figure it really doesn’t matter to the reader and it was really just me being so anal about chronology which as a result made me feel less inspired to post these travel journals lately. Okay, so now back to July when my life was more interesting and I was in a city & country that I absolutely loved & found totally inspiring.)

11:06 pm: The Pixies’ ‘No. 13 Baby’ isn’t the best song to wake up to. I got up an hour late this morning and I made the noon bus back to NYC by the skin of my teeth. Well, actually perhaps I exaggerate – I was there at 1145. But I was terrified that I would miss the bus. It seems really important that I do something so as not to lose myself here in NYC. There are too many distractions – they’re wonderful distractions, no doubt, and very welcome after a lifetime of not-really-living in Singapore.

I did a lot today:

On the bus from Reading, PA to New York, NY

1. Left PA for NYC. 3.25 hour long coach ride. Fell asleep for an hour but passed through Newark, NJ which was cool.

Myrtle-Wyckoff Avs subway station

2. Moved into my new room in Brooklyn. I like the new neighbourhood already and you can see the Manhattan skyline from the subway station which is fantastic.

Near The Slipper Room somewhere, Amber Ray, The Two Man Gentlemen Band

3. Grabbed a very quick pizza dinner with Keith & then headed to Molly Crabapple’s book launch party which was pretty interesting – the gorgeous Amber Ray, burlesque performances & the Two Man Gentlemen Band. I saw Gala Darling there again. And again I was way too shy to say hi. It’s so weird because this is the 2nd time I’ve bumped into her in NYC.

Somewhere near the Slipper Room

Anyway, it was really interesting being at that event. I told Keith it was as if the internet had become real for me. These are the kind of events I’d been reading about online (not to mention I’ve followed people like Gala + Molly online for years) when I was in Singapore and feeling stabs of envy & finally I’m here actually experiencing all this firsthand. (note: Dr Sketchy’s & this event were both so truly awesome that they really deserve their own post, and so I’ll write more about that in the future!)

Williamsburg Bridge / Manhattan skyline at twilight

After that Keith & I walked all the way across Williamsburg Bridge as the sun went down. The J & M trains kept passing us by, along with several cyclists & joggers. Eventually I caught the M home from Marcy Ave.

Williamsburg Bridge

Amazing view from the bridge

Transience is a difficult thing to deal with. It’s not circumstances that cause suffering, it’s attachment. I wish I could let life pass through me, experience and remain unattached. Why do I put myself down such a difficult path? I will stop thinking about the future & past so much. I will experience present moment awareness. Life pushes me towards this end. Sometimes gently, sometimes less so.

Williamsburg bridge graffiti

09:31pm: The best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life was to come to NYC alone.

Learning a lot of things about myself and life. I want to, I need to remain open. I see how crucial it is. For now I’m willing to take the risk of getting hurt. But maybe I need to push the idea of hurt out of my mind entirely.

Street art in Manhattan

I’m realizing that so much in life is really just up to what you make of it. So much is open to interpretation… For now I choose to interpret all of this as it is. I’m going with the flow here. I’m present, I’m in the moment. I’m enjoying it for what it is. I know that the universe sorts itself out eventually. Eventually things will make sense. For now we just have faith. It’s getting easier to do this. It’s a better way of living for me – I worry less, I feel more alive.

Angel. Somehwere in Manhattan.

I think that you get from life exactly what you put in. It can’t be any other way – at least that’s how it seems to me. I’m getting a whole new life here – exactly what I wanted. Every day I gain confidence and I grow.

Today on the 7 train home I saw the Manhattan skyline backlit by the evening sun.

08:43 am: I can’t understand what it is I am experiencing so instead I will describe it here:

Sundown, Manhattan

Is this a near-ecstatic state of being? I used to think that this state of being was not possible in real life, I mean fundamentally I always KNEW without doubt that it was possible or else I wouldn’t be here but years and years of deadening my spirit in Singaporean society led me to other beliefs for a time.

Now I’ve uncovered the reality – that here it has been all along. Here I have been all along. This state of being – usually associated with how I feel after seeing an excellent film, listening to a piece of music, finishing an amazing novel – this expansion of self, I never thought it was possible to experience it directly in real life. But I am experiencing it now – as a result of what?

Here I am in Queens, truth be told, it isn’t the best place to live. I’m in a pretty shitty budget YMCA hostel with a shared bathroom that I can barely deal with but -

Os Gemeos mural, Coney Island

I’m sitting here crying so incredibly thankful to be alive. There is nothing to do. There is only direct and absolute contact with life itself. With the source of life. I feel it, I feel it so intensely right now. I can barely spell or type this out, I keep making mistakes and have to go back. I’ve become aware of levels of being that are far beyond what I previously experienced and yet are all inevitably parts of myself. This writing writes itself. I understand now, I’ve come to understanding in this moment. Maybe in the next moment it will be gone, but in this moment it is here.

And it isn’t about the mundane. It isn’t about travel, it isn’t about Singapore or New York or cultural comparisons anymore. It isn’t even about him or me, it isn’t about me. I just happen to be this person, to be concentrated here – or at least I think I am. In reality I am connected to something so vast I am aware now that I have no conception of it. In fact, it’s possibly not conceivable by a human mind.

Manhattan

I have known this all along, of course, it’s just been covered up by so many other beliefs. But they are not useless, it’s necessary to experience these things – at least it has been for me. But for now, now right in this moment I am experiencing the vast change I have been waiting my entire life for. I don’t know what to be other than thankful. Finally it is here, I am on the precipice and I cannot say what lies ahead of me. You see, the problem is not that there is no choice, or no energy. The problem is that there is too much choice and too much energy.

When I am connected to this, all I feel is so much love I can barely contain it. I’m afraid to lose myself, because I choose to remain here. And everything is a choice ultimately – it’s just whether or not we are aware that we’re making the choices. I understand some things now.

Manhattan

And the mundane – isn’t the mundane at all. It only appears to be. Everything appears to be certain things, but what everything truly is depends on what you choose to make of it.

Shibuya, Tokyo

30 March 09: I can’t rationalize the way I feel about Japan. Looking through old photos and feeling such an immense longing to return. It doesn’t make sense – I know I could never live there, but I love it all the same.

I just know that from the second I stepped into Narita for the first time, I fell in love completely.

Kyoto

16 August 07: Before I went to Tokyo, I had plans to check out the city. The first day we spent walking around Ginza, getting lost and searching for food. I took only one picture there – of the Kabuki-za theatre. It was strangely depressing yet poignant. I brought a Boom Boom Satellites album along to listen to. I thought the music would go well with the city. It did and I listened to it on the shinkansen ride to Kyoto.

Kabuki-za theatre

Things turned in Kyoto and on my last day there I experienced a certain emotion I had never experienced so strongly before in my life. After that I didn’t want to return to the city. But that night we took the evening train back to Tokyo and we arrived in Tachikawa close to ten.

Near the hostel in Kyoto

In Tachikawa I felt as if I had stepped into Gibson’s Idoru. It was raining and everyone carried see-through plastic umbrellas which reflected the orange-red neon shop signs. We walked next to the train tracks, cables hanging heavy and knotted above them. Drunk businessmen stumbled out of eating houses from time to time. I refused to take a single photograph of Tachikawa at night. I had the sense of being near the end of the world.

Wires in Gion, Kyoto

That was pretty much the vibe I got from the Japanese city at night. Downtown Kyoto was like a cardboard city – such a strange emptiness about it that made you aware of space rather than the matter which it contained. Looking up into the starless night sky with empty buildings hindering your view.

I remember taking the train and passing the Gotanda station. Omote-sando. Shinagawa. Shimbashi. I remember the crowds did not bother me at all. But I forgot the name of the Kyoto subway station where we saw the strange old couple with the kittens. Though I still have the tiny photo of the kitten that the man gave me.

Man with kitten, Kyoto

I miss that state of mind. It hasn’t been the same since.

Misty Chrysler

05:33 am: I’m feeling a lot of things that are new to me. Further and further down the rabbit hole. I always try to push things a little farther to test my limits and am often surprised when an entire world branches out from that little experiment. I did make the mistake I was afraid of making, but I suppose that it’s alright and in a way it’s good because at least I’m finding out what my limits are here.

I’m kind of surprised by how fast things are moving here in NYC. I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself and about human beings and I know that this is the place that I need to be if I want to learn about these things.

Self / Manhattan

Interestingly, I can feel that there’s no way I’d ‘fit in’ anywhere here either, except on the surface if I were to conform to the culture here which I am, of course, completely unwilling to do because it goes against all the reasons that I came here. It was difficult to get here and so this time here is precious and cannot be wasted. My intentions were honest and they were pure and I must honour that part of me that is pure. In the hopes that it will grow and I can begin living life that is based more on purity of thought & feeling and less of contrivance and caring what other people think.

Street art in Queens

I must remember why I came here. I must constantly make the effort to remember and keep this in my heart. I came here to see the possibilities for a better life – and to live that better life. I so, so desperately want to settle down. It’s time for me to settle down already – but I have to be careful too. I think I need to honour this desire for stability too, because it is a part of me too. While there’s no way I could fit in here, I’m pretty certain that this society can accommodate me simply because it’s so diverse.

I have to keep remembering – I’m not here to become a part of New York. Rather, I’m here to see if the place is willing to accommodate me and my needs. Not the other way around. I can’t force myself to change to suit external circumstances anymore. If I want to conform, I can do that in Singapore. Here in America, I must learn to express my true self unapologetically (and also find out what that true self is).

Manhattan Skyline from Brooklyn

Sometimes I feel the isolation creep in and it frightens me, dear God it really frightens me. I’m all alone here. No family or close friends for 1500km.

Then it hits me that I really need to build loving relationships from scratch, I really need to find my kindred spirits – that’s another reason I’m here. I need loving relationships that are real. Perhaps it’s not really a need but more of a want. I want to not have to do this alone anymore. I want to be among others. I want the chance to love. I want the chance for things to not be based on bullshit and contrivance anymore. I see just how intensely I feel and it frightens me – it frightened me in Singapore. And I came here only to realize that what I felt there was just the tip of the iceberg. I feel so intensely. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this intensely.

Birdman (street art in Manhattan)

I don’t know. I’m confused about a lot of things. I suppose the only way to gain clarity is to pay attention and experience even more widely so I can understand what I want and what I don’t want. I do know that right now I need really positive, inspiring, loving and nurturing relationships and I can’t give energy or attention to any relationship that ultimately does not do this for me, friendship or otherwise.

I’m glad I did this whole thing you know? It’s been really rewarding, even if incredibly painful at times.

Girl on Brooklyn Bridge

09:11 am: I could never leave this city man. In just three days it’s gotten underneath my skin and in my bloodstream.

I can’t believe it’s only been four days. It feels like it’s been so much longer. Time has been passing by a lot slower in New York, I feel. Or maybe it’s the longer summer days that make me feel this way. This morning I’ve decided that the next six/seven weeks are going to be spent literally finding a way to move here. Finding ways to live here.

Manhattan

For most of my life and especially in the last decade I’ve been making my decisions based on fear. I’ve been driven by fear. The effect of this way of life is that it manifests my fears in a very direct way because that’s all that’s on my mind. Recently I’ve been trying to make the transition to living a life based on and driven by love. Because life’s way too short, man. Will I get hurt? Of course. But you see, that’s unavoidable in life. The problem is when you make decisions based on ‘will I get hurt?’ as opposed to ‘will I grow as a human being?’. When hurt arises, we find a way to deal with it. All decisions based on the prevention of hurt are totally understandable, but misguided and not as efficient/effective as decisions based on love/the need to grow.

Walking across Brooklyn Bridge

I know New York is the perfect place for me to grow. I can feel it’s going to teach me a lot. I never planned on coming here and falling in love with this city, like this. I thought I’d just be getting by. I feel like I’ve changed so much in just four days. I just want to be in a constant state of love these days – because I see the benefits it has on my well-being. Love makes me want to live fully. Love makes me realize that at some point, all the pain can be healed. Like last night. Like right now. Love and hope are also energies and states of mind. Someone was talking to me last night saying how it’s all about energy. That’s exactly what I’ve been saying/thinking since I got here. It really is all about energy.

Manhattan

It’s just so weird how, after such a long, long time of stumbling, making mistakes and everything I’ve finally chanced upon a situation that’s a perfect fit. I… don’t even know what to say, probably can’t say too much here either.

So much of it depends on how you see it.

Brooklyn Bridge

07:24 pm: Today I went to Brooklyn Bridge & Central Park. Had some excellent udon at the nearby Japanese place here in Queens. Listened to more Filter on the 7 train into Manhattan. Walked right underneath the Chrysler building. I’m becoming more and more familiar with Manhattan, mainly the area around Times Sq. & Grand Central since I’ve gone there every day since coming here.

Central Park

I’m just wondering… since when did this become my life? I am so thankful because this is exactly the kind of life I’ve always dreamed of having. It’s wonderful, it’s beautiful. I love this country, these people, these experiences. I am growing and changing so much. I’m generally really comfortable alone these days. I feel so much energy within. I am really thankful. I am also really present – moreso than I’ve ever been. Sure I get distracted and overwhelmed at times but I can always bring myself back to the moment.

I love this country. That’s all I think when I look out my window. I love this city. That’s the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning. I’m gonna look for an apartment in the meantime.

Manhattan; Realizing NYC was the city I'd been dreaming of since childhood.

04:20 pm: Total sensory overload today. More hours of walking around Manhattan – this time completely unplanned. I’m still not eating much which is perhaps worrying. I saw the Empire State building and then a homeless guy nearby.

I probably need to move out of Queens. At least out of Flushing. I need to choose a place which is less ‘interesting’ and more comfortable. I’m still hungry but I don’t know why I just can’t eat. I’m tired of eating alone too. I have to reach out to others. I’m not quite sure how. I try to maintain a positive mood and attitude as much as I can, but if I feel low-energy I usually listen to music I can relate to and feel it fully. And sometimes I can let it go. I try not to judge myself anymore. Somehow it’s easier to do that in this environment.

Main St. in Flushing, Queens. Yes, this is America.

Yeah you know, it is really weird going somewhere and not having any family or close friends. It is odd. But beyond any shadow of a doubt – this is my city and my new home. I’ll just have to build from scratch, something I’ve been needing to do for a while anyway. This city has a lot to teach me. I’m finally faced with real life. I can see why I was running away from it for so long. Anyway I didn’t travel 15,000km and spend thousands of Singapore dollars to be unhappy here.

Rain in Manhattan.

I’m moving to New York. For real. There is no going back now. (I mean I might go back to Singapore to see Nine Inch Nails and to make more money so I can come back here but yeah, I know for a fact that I can’t live there.) You see, what I like about New York is that I feel everything is very upfront. No bullshit. Not like Singapore – where everything is so squeaky clean on the surface but inhumane and fucked up underneath.

Anyway, so much of life is what you make it. I need some serious time out to really set my intentions and remember that I do not want to suffer needlessly anymore. That was an important part of this trip anyway. Oh yeah, I’m drained of energy right now.

05:35 pm: For just once in my life, I’m going to try loving everything and everyone freely and easily and with no attachment, and I’m going to see how that works out.