I used to feel fear at dusk. Today I’m just wondering if I should leave the house or not. I’m leaning towards ‘not’, but I feel like I should exercise my legs so they don’t atrophy and maybe go look at some books or something. Use free resources that are available. I also want to make progress on some art projects by photographing the city at night. Again.

“Singapore’s most beautiful when you can’t see it – at night.”

I don’t feel that fear right now. I don’t feel guilt either – which is kind of amazing since I used to feel those so intensely during my free moments in adolescence and early adulthood.

At night you see the lights. LEDs and office buildings that I’m glad I don’t have to enter. Pretty but sterile. Imitations of life. The lights hint at some possibility of what this city could be but isn’t. Some sliver of reality that I’ve lived on for ten years now – this sliver being the possibility that one day I’ll move to a city where I can fully live inside this feeling.

That city is New York.

I never expected it to be. I really did think it would be London or Tokyo. Rather special.

There is this feeling in the world’s big cities that I can’t really explain. It’s the same feeling I feel in Singapore at night. It’s the feeling that we could probably reach the stars a lot sooner than we think. It’s the feeling that we’re almost ready for some great leap in our thinking, doing and being. The feeling that in one swift moment we can actualize the reservoirs of human potential that great people have really only hinted at throughout the years. That we – all of us – can actualize this and that it is not just for the select few by esoteric means.

That’s the feeling that’s kept me on Earth and in this body. I used to want to leave but now I make my choice – I stay. I stay and see what happens.

I have the strange suspicion that the universe will surprise me after all.

This is an outfit I put together in mid-January this year, just a few days before I left for LA and NYC alone. Basically right before I embarked on one of the most important and joyful journeys of my life. I had no idea how things were going to turn out – the only thing I was absolutely sure of was that I was following my heart, truly.

I find myself in a similar position now – I leave for New York City once again in a matter of days now. This time I will stay for years. I am excited and relieved both. And almost ecstatic that the dream of a decade is finally becoming reality.

Anyway, in case you’re wondering, my hair was a mix of Special Effects’ Napalm Orange and Nuclear Red back then.

During 'Survivalism' (image from nin.com)

Truth is I’m still kind of in a daze. I’ve been dreaming of seeing Nine Inch Nails play live in my hometown for about ten years now and last night that dream finally came true. When Trent & Robin came out on stage I was just like – oh my God they’re real people! It’s so weird, having seen countless videos of NIN live over the last ten years, always imagining what it would be like to actually be there. Wondering if I’d ever get the chance to see them.

They opened with ‘Somewhat Damaged’. When I was 14, I used to go to school early just so I could use the internet (during a rare, computerless period of my human existence) to see a live performance of that on the Fragility tour. I remember going alone to Tower Records late at night (when 9:30pm was late) to get The Fragile and being so fucking excited about that. I remember going all over town looking for The Downward Spiral and only finding it months later and buying Fixed, Broken and Further Down The Spiral in between.

I remember two distinctly hellish periods of my life. One I was reminded of when they played ‘Wish’ – I used to wake up to that every morning almost exactly ten years ago. I remember hating my life thoroughly and completely at that point. And then when they played ‘Reptile’ (which I was hoping for so badly), I was reminded of the complete disintegration of a recent relationship during which I was listening to The Downward Spiral a lot. I was most into NIN in 2000 and 2007-8. It was during the latter period that they became my favourite band and I listened to almost nothing but their entire discography for months on end. Both were extremely difficult periods during which I felt extremely disconnected from other human beings, but I got so deep into this music. I felt it so intensely. I felt like it was my sole connection back to humanity.

When they played ‘La Mer’, I got reminded of how I used to go to the beach and listen to ‘La Mer’, ‘The Great Below’ and a lot of Ghosts… And just space out, relax, and feel everything deeply, intensely. And remind myself that everything would be okay somehow, even if I couldn’t see it happening at that point. I feel like all these little moments of just spacing out and listening to music really saved my life. Actually I’m convinced that music in general (and my connection to it) has saved my life but that’s another story (and a really long one too).

A rare moment when Singapore actually seems magical

When they first came on stage, I was so impressed with the sound – it was so much better than I’d ever expected. Everything sounded so perfect. I was ridiculously impressed by just how good they are at what they do. After a while, I was just really amazed by the music and the energy of the crowd. Really, really good vibes and a great atmosphere. For once in my life I was proud of Singapore because I realized there were some seriously cool people here, or at least the concert drew some cool people because I know there were people who came in from China, Indonesia & Malaysia just to see NIN. I kept thinking how amazing it is that music really brings people together. It makes us one. The crowd was singing along to almost every song.

The amazing lighting rig!

Some cool people I queued with

Anyway, long story short, NIN were a huge part of my life and their music was around for a large chunk of it (10 years out of 24!). They entered my life during an important transition period (the end of childhood) and now that I’ve finally entered adulthood I realize that Trent couldn’t have ended NIN at a better time and on a better note. I feel like this music has offered me so much in the way of self-knowledge and most importantly catharsis. It’s been a catalyst for those things.

'La Mer'

I feel satisfied. And I feel like I can move on now. I look forward to whatever music projects he has in mind for the future and secretly hope for more work along the lines of Ghosts I-IV (which remains my absolute favourite NIN album to date). Which reminds me – I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t play anything off of that album. Oh well.

This awesome guy seems to have filmed the entire concert in HD. Here’s ‘Somewhat Damaged‘.

Additionally @nineinchnails on Twitter posted this video of ‘Survivalism’ last night. Also, Skylar took some great videos (she was right in front!) of ‘The Day The World Went Away‘ and ‘Closer‘.