Thoughts of New Hope, PA in the last few days. It’s very quickly become one of my favourite places that I’ve ever visited. Images taken on April 4th, 2010.

05 February 2010 @ 08:33 pm:

I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore simply because my task appears so difficult. Difficulty is always an opportunity to grow. You get from life exactly what you give out. I am just going to use this opportunity to grow and to become better and to feel more fully alive. I will make it through and I will achieve success. And ultimately I have control over my own happiness and how I react to what happens around me. I can always make any situation better through this way of thinking.

Here are some videos about a public meditation event I attended in NYC in March. It was such an intense experience! We met at the Port Authority station (seriously, of all places!). Probably the worst environment in which to meditate but hey, I guess that was the point.

It made me aware of all the background energy in life (other people’s thoughts and feelings, people rushing around everywhere), that we just kind of screen out – or at least we think we do. I am aware that cities are generally not happy places. It is important to know that we are affected by other people around us – I feel like it is important to be aware of this. So in a way, even though the Port Authority was really the best place to meditate – because it really forced you to focus, over and over again.

When you attain peace of mind in such an environment it is extremely empowering. You receive with it the knowledge that you can rise above almost anything and find the still point in so much movement. It is actually quite beautiful then, to watch everybody scurrying about; only when you’re aware of how much stress is involved in the situation (when you’re not immune to it but you actually observe it), can you really observe the motion of the universe. You gain a certain objectivity – and you can just watch things with interest and let them be. That’s the impression that I’m left with at least, writing this months later.

Here’s another video of Mai-Kim speaking about the public meditation event (before it happened) and her experience with meditation in general.

The event was organized by The Interdependence Project. I attended two sessions of their Heartcore Dharma series (seriously, how cute is that name?!?) and absolutely loved it. They’re a very inspiring and high-energy group to be around, and if you’re in the NYC area do check them out!

20th April 2010:

I’m trying to make sense of my experiences in New York City and of how my life has changed and progressed in general since the last major turning point I experienced in 2007.

I constantly feel friction between these 3 perspectives of reality:

- the world I experienced as a child
- the world I’ve been conditioned to experience
- the new world that is emerging

The world through the eyes of my childhood I hold to be the truest reality.

Everything since then seems like a departure from a worldview that was perfectly enabling for growth. I’m suddenly reminded of watching a child colour a colouring book at JFK airport yesterday. I kept thinking to myself “God this kid’s motor skills are so bad”, but I noticed that she kept colouring with attention and dignity. I realized the importance of being in that space of pure attention (I feel that now as I write this). I constantly beat myself up for not being ‘good enough’ and while I think it’s good to know where you can improve, I prefer the state of firsthand creation and experience to sizing myself up and worrying about how I appear to others.

When I was a child I marveled at everything – I could discern ego very easily and see through silly mental prejudices that limit people’s ability to realize their own potential.

I had a good idea of my place in the universe – I felt neither separate nor threatened by the rest of the cosmos and wanted to learn as much about it as I could.

The world existed as it did. There were few values. This was the world before duality.

The cultural viewpoint of the world that I’ve been conditioned to experience is what currently frustrates me the most. I perceive it as extremely limiting and I constantly work to transcend this and find for myself a viewpoint that frees me up mentally and enables me to lead a fulfilling life.

At some point in my life I tried really hard to conform to what I felt was expected of me as an Asian child, a Singaporean citizen and a university student. That approach brought me only intense suffering – and the knowledge that I really do know what is good for myself and what I need to grow.

I am the only person that has lived my life and so only I can make the defining decisions for my well-being. I can no longer accept an external definition of who I am – because such definitions are limiting and incomplete at best.

I feel like functioning from one cultural viewpoint is not possible at all for me anymore and I constantly face anxiety if I will ever be able to find reciprocation in Singaporean society. My experiences with this society have been largely negative so far – but I am tired of telling the same stories over and over.

Maybe it is now possible to create something new. Maybe I can find it in myself to lead a life in Singapore in the meantime that will enable me to move on to something better in another part of the world that I can truly call home.

The new world that is emerging is the perspective that excites me the most. I combine my initial wonder at the phenomena of life and the universe itself with my ability to navigate reality.

In the new world there will be congruence – I am able to fully express who I am and add to the external world as a unique individual regardless of whether my surrounding environment is supportive or not. I create freely and realize the reality and importance of the creative mind and the imagination.

I am fully aware (and never negligent) of purpose and the things that are good for my soul. I am fully self-reliant – I find a center of peace within that is independent of any and all external change.

I am constantly involved in moving further into the unknown because I love the rush and spontanaeity of action involved in this movement. I realize and understand that life is not just about traversing known paths over and over – but also in seeking the new.

The universe is constantly expanding and we are the agents of this expansion. We are the frontier, we are the bleeding edge. We are here to constantly experience change – death and renewal. I embrace this movement and this growth and I remember that the things that matter most – things like love and the sense that everything is always working out for the best – are the things that can never be taken away from me.

At this point I don’t believe that even death will separate me from love. I sometimes fantasize that perhaps death is that which strips us completely of whatever is limiting us from experiencing true, unending love and joy. Maybe then death is the next evolutionary step in the development of that within us that is beyond the body, and perhaps it only occurs when we are finally ready to relinquish this world and take that step.

I’m far from done here. I want, still, to love life fully and truly with a whole heart. I want to be immersed in the contrast and choose progressiveness. I want to be brave in the face of darkness. I want to know life, and to communicate all knowledge and experience that I gain to others. And then (and only then) at the end of it all, then I would like to die. Because I am curious to see what lies behind this curtain from which there is no certain return.

April 19th / 21st, 2010:

Written somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, between Guam and Manila:

It’s funny how I lived a life barely accounting for love. Love is the surprise element which brings current plans crashing down and gives birth to new ideas which bear absolutely no relation to previous ways of thinking. It’s nonlinear and non-rational and so much more than just an emotional or chemical response to life. I believe it’s the glue that holds the entire universe together.

I fell in love again, and again I didn’t expect to. With a boy and with a city – both of which changed my life in ways I could never foresee. Both enabled me to understand myself and to push further into the unknown when there was so much fear.

I do not move back – I move forward. I can never return to who I was before love found me and I am perfectly okay with this. The universe is expanding and we move into more and more love. Sometimes we encounter forms of love that we cannot recognize at first glance.

It’s funny, I feel like I can think more clearly here in the sky. Life ALWAYS makes sense from this perspective – maybe not so much from the ground. I feel connected here – to other human beings, the planet, the cosmos. I am just beginning to see my part in all of this.

April 10, 2010:

Today the universe led me to a man called Perry.

Perry, Joel and Jerry all play in a band called The Three Neighbours in Jersey City, NJ. They play a fusion of African & jazz music, all improvised.

I felt really drawn to Perry from the first moment I saw him. I had no idea who he was but something about the way he was made me feel immediately that this man had led an extraordinary life.

Every other word that came out of his mouth was a genuine “beautiful” or “wonderful”. He seemed to be very aware and knowledgeable about the world but at the same time he had the curiosity and wonder of a child.

I like how he said “magic” so many times! He kept praising life and everything around him with his speech – I’ve met many people who do this, and many times it reeks of inauthenticity. With Perry, somehow every bit of it felt real, it seemed like the world was somehow still magical for him.

He was wearing a shirt that said ‘Truth Is One, Paths Are Many’.

Perry walked with me a short distance from Jewett Ave to a nearby drugstore. After we parted ways as I headed to Journal Square to catch the PATH back to New York, I kept thinking that I really wanted to live like Perry – to have that approach to life. He seemed like someone who had lived a full life. I feel very fortunate to have met him.

I have realized that there is so much in life that goes way beyond money and status (indeed, what a severely limited lens through which to experience the universe). I have had wonderful experiences here in NYC living minimally (in material terms) but remembering to keep an open heart and mind and having the willingness to share whatever skills that I have.

March 12, 2010:

Sitting in a cafe in Chelsea today, Procol Harem’s ‘Whiter Shade of Pale’ came on and I thought of ‘Life Lessons’ from New York Stories. I like to think of  New York Stories as one of the films that led me here. I first saw it when I was about 8 on late-night TV. I wonder if Nick Nolte’s performance in Scorsese’s segment is what originally inspired the dream of being an artist in a big city.

Living here is like living in a beautiful dream – many moments have that lyrical, aesthetic quality that I associate with dreams and nostalgia. Sometimes it’s while walking through warm, orange sunsets in Manhattan that I realize this, sometimes it’s during misty, rainy evenings like this one. You realize that life is transient, and that there is nothing to hold on to. You enjoy it for what it is. You feel yourself grow and open up and you enjoy this process of expansion. I think about the fact that the universe is constantly expanding and has been since the beginning of time (as we know it) and I wonder if we are not the agents of this expansion.

There are two truly remarkable things about being human that stand out to me right now: Self-reflection (or self-awareness) and free will (or freedom of choice).

Self-reflection:
We are the universe attempting to understand itself. This is so amazing and beautiful to me. We are life seeking to experience itself. This, to me, seems like an act of great love. We can process life, we can question life and the very act of our self-observation instantly changes what we are perceiving.

Free will:
We can choose to love or we can choose to hurt. What is most amazing about free will to me is the ability to choose a loving action over a limiting one. It seems to me right now that it is impossible (and perhaps even undesirable?) to entirely and willfully shut out negative and/or hurtful thoughts. But what is wonderful to me is this: to have a negative thought and then a positive one and to actually choose to act on the positive one. I think I cannot even begin to imagine to amount of good that can result from repeatedly making this decision.

I credit this inspiring city with opening my heart – something that I did not think was possible because I had shut that part of myself off for so many years. Twice I came here with the intention of wanting to live with an open heart and twice I have been rewarded richly by being shown that I still possess the ability to love. It is not our sensitivity or our willingness to love that gets us hurt – rather, I think the act of closing one’s heart and deliberately cutting off one’s ability to love that causes pain.

Another thing about pain is that I think it is inevitable. It’s just another facet of experience and sometimes it can open us up to something greater – if we accept and acknowledge that. I still find this difficult sometimes… But anyway, world of duality right? If we had no limits we would have nothing to overcome and if we had no pain, we would have no pleasure either.

The sheer diversity, variety, breadth and depth of life (which New York City makes so obvious) is mind-blowing! Of course, I’m always peripherally aware of this but to really realize it through direct experience is… mind-expanding! I see faces from all over the world every day, I hear languages from distant lands I’ve had no contact with. You become aware that planet Earth accommodates human cultures completely in opposition to one another. To me, this is almost like the universe is saying to us “It’s okay to experience whatever you want – just choose and it will be.” You can even choose to experience fear, terror and judgement if you so desire. If you want to take your own life – you have the freedom to do even that. Everything is just an experience and we have a whole load to choose from (I believe we choose with our thoughts and with our hearts).

I think life is far more than can ever be experienced or comprehended by the intellect alone. The mind is an important and powerful tool, but I wonder if through our hearts we can actually glimpse a wider world – a world where everything comes from One and is One. I believe that love actually offers a doorway into this world – a world where opposites are reconciled…

I want to inhabit this wider world. I want to be reminded that I am but a drop in an infinite ocean.

Places like NYC and LA seem like places people go to to create themselves. That’s something I’ve always wanted to do since I was a child. I know that what I’ve been given is just raw material and my task is to make something out of it. What exactly this ’something’ is is entirely another story altogether.

I’ve made the decision to have an open heart when dealing with other people and to put aside all the hurt I’ve experienced in the past. I prefer to have an open and beautiful life and choose to expand myself in spite of fear rather than live life with the sole purpose of avoiding fear.

I always try to enjoy the present. Most of my so-called problems at this stage are abstractions. The present surrounding me is beautiful and absolutely perfect for now so it’s relatively easy to enjoy it here. It’s a different focus from Singapore where I had to focus on my inner state and the future abstraction of ‘going to New York’ or working towards that.

I accept that I can’t ‘figure out’ life. I just live it. My approach to living and personal philosophy seem to be working for me these days though. It didn’t always and so I often contrast this new experience to my days in a Singapore university – where on paper everything looked so good and yet I was absolutely miserable. Right now I fit in nowhere and in society’s eyes I’m almost unaccounted for in these last few years. Yet, I’ve really and truly lived. I can go from here. My conscience is clearer this way. I have found happiness and love – and that’s all that really matters in life.

The rest will follow.

About a year later I am in Webster Hall, alone, watching A Place To Bury Strangers. This is the first band I see alone in New York City.

The stage itself, when you’re walking in, is magic. It’s like you’re watching some kind of ritual take place, participating.

When the band first comes on they play ‘To Fix The Gash In Your Head.’ There are strobe lights which pierce through the fog-machine mist. I keep thinking that the light show mirrors and complements the sound really well.

The sound is like nothing you can imagine just going from the mp3s. It’s sound that you feel – in your heart – and not just hear. It’s like something physical. It’s surprising to see it coming from just a 3 man band.

They don’t play for very long – about 50 minutes – but they go through all of my favourite songs.

As they are playing I remember these things:

• that I found what I was looking for
• that it was about a year ago while listening to them that I decided to come here
• that the things we cannot see – the things we feel intensely and somehow know to be true; these invisible support systems that keep us alive, are the things that are most important to me
• that it is beautiful to experience the result of the human desire to create and to beautify
• that I want every moment of my life to be experienced like I am experiencing this one

Although I am alone, I don’t really feel it. I feel like the other people around me are interested in the same things that I am and that maybe the things that are important to me are important to them too.

When they finish playing I understand the importance of being here.

23 January 2010 @ 06:31 am:

Just before I left for the US I wrote down a list of things that I wanted to focus on and experience in life. I look at this from time to time because it’s so easy to get sidetracked, afraid and disoriented here.

Some people would call this a difficult situation. I could choose to look at it that way, but I don’t want to because I know that the reason I put myself in this situation was for growth. The potential for my personal growth and self-development in this situation is explosive. Every day, I come to many really important realizations quickly and easily. So it gets harder to really categorize things as solely ‘bad’ or ‘good’ anymore.

I’ve been having a lot of vivid and incredibly strange dreams that I have trouble remembering.

It seems like the thoughts and feelings of human beings here are so different from Singapore. This is something I find really interesting – whole different wavelengths of energy.

A lot of things are changing and rapidly. The flight only prepared me for this. Already this trip is so different from the last one even though, in effect, I am picking up exactly from where I left off. Change can be pretty frightening – for me it gets more frightening when people appear and disappear from your life, but that is happening right now and I keep reminding myself that I am okay and that there is nothing to hold on to.

I have faith that wherever I end up, I will be taken care of and I will find good people. So far that has held true.

Everything taken into consideration though – this is real life. I really wouldn’t have it any other way. I cannot spend a lifetime waiting around. Now I take responsibility and make the decision to put away my fears and disappointments.