regenerate

20th April 2010:

I’m trying to make sense of my experiences in New York City and of how my life has changed and progressed in general since the last major turning point I experienced in 2007.

I constantly feel friction between these 3 perspectives of reality:

- the world I experienced as a child
- the world I’ve been conditioned to experience
- the new world that is emerging

The world through the eyes of my childhood I hold to be the truest reality.

Everything since then seems like a departure from a worldview that was perfectly enabling for growth. I’m suddenly reminded of watching a child colour a colouring book at JFK airport yesterday. I kept thinking to myself “God this kid’s motor skills are so bad”, but I noticed that she kept colouring with attention and dignity. I realized the importance of being in that space of pure attention (I feel that now as I write this). I constantly beat myself up for not being ‘good enough’ and while I think it’s good to know where you can improve, I prefer the state of firsthand creation and experience to sizing myself up and worrying about how I appear to others.

When I was a child I marveled at everything – I could discern ego very easily and see through silly mental prejudices that limit people’s ability to realize their own potential.

I had a good idea of my place in the universe – I felt neither separate nor threatened by the rest of the cosmos and wanted to learn as much about it as I could.

The world existed as it did. There were few values. This was the world before duality.

The cultural viewpoint of the world that I’ve been conditioned to experience is what currently frustrates me the most. I perceive it as extremely limiting and I constantly work to transcend this and find for myself a viewpoint that frees me up mentally and enables me to lead a fulfilling life.

At some point in my life I tried really hard to conform to what I felt was expected of me as an Asian child, a Singaporean citizen and a university student. That approach brought me only intense suffering – and the knowledge that I really do know what is good for myself and what I need to grow.

I am the only person that has lived my life and so only I can make the defining decisions for my well-being. I can no longer accept an external definition of who I am – because such definitions are limiting and incomplete at best.

I feel like functioning from one cultural viewpoint is not possible at all for me anymore and I constantly face anxiety if I will ever be able to find reciprocation in Singaporean society. My experiences with this society have been largely negative so far – but I am tired of telling the same stories over and over.

Maybe it is now possible to create something new. Maybe I can find it in myself to lead a life in Singapore in the meantime that will enable me to move on to something better in another part of the world that I can truly call home.

The new world that is emerging is the perspective that excites me the most. I combine my initial wonder at the phenomena of life and the universe itself with my ability to navigate reality.

In the new world there will be congruence – I am able to fully express who I am and add to the external world as a unique individual regardless of whether my surrounding environment is supportive or not. I create freely and realize the reality and importance of the creative mind and the imagination.

I am fully aware (and never negligent) of purpose and the things that are good for my soul. I am fully self-reliant – I find a center of peace within that is independent of any and all external change.

I am constantly involved in moving further into the unknown because I love the rush and spontanaeity of action involved in this movement. I realize and understand that life is not just about traversing known paths over and over – but also in seeking the new.

The universe is constantly expanding and we are the agents of this expansion. We are the frontier, we are the bleeding edge. We are here to constantly experience change – death and renewal. I embrace this movement and this growth and I remember that the things that matter most – things like love and the sense that everything is always working out for the best – are the things that can never be taken away from me.

At this point I don’t believe that even death will separate me from love. I sometimes fantasize that perhaps death is that which strips us completely of whatever is limiting us from experiencing true, unending love and joy. Maybe then death is the next evolutionary step in the development of that within us that is beyond the body, and perhaps it only occurs when we are finally ready to relinquish this world and take that step.

I’m far from done here. I want, still, to love life fully and truly with a whole heart. I want to be immersed in the contrast and choose progressiveness. I want to be brave in the face of darkness. I want to know life, and to communicate all knowledge and experience that I gain to others. And then (and only then) at the end of it all, then I would like to die. Because I am curious to see what lies behind this curtain from which there is no certain return.