December 8th, 2009
Abigail
I have this great fear that everything is totally empty. Cardboard cities – empty of meaning. Nothing is real. For some reason, this meaninglessness comes through most strongly at night.
I remember experiencing this while having drunken late-night conversations with friends in Singapore. Looking up at empty buildings in downtown Kyoto. On a bus approaching New York City – in motion, seeing the bright lights of the Manhattan skyline. Beautiful, yet empty. Empty, yet beautiful.
Somehow on a plane you become a lot more aware of how brittle our reality is. In the next moment you could be…
I remember when I was a child I used to lie on the sofa with my head touching the ground and imagine that reality was upside down. I used to imagine myself walking on the ceiling. After a while I’d get dizzy & sit up normally again. I would just be really amazed at how strange reality was – were 3D objects really ‘real’? I always thought there was a certain hollowness to them.
Now I can go and I have no desire to return.
The desire to return, the conditioned thought patterns are really what pull us back. But it’s okay because we want to experience desire. And we finally depart when we have truly had enough of it. It’s important to be honest.
Strange, floating world of illusion.
Every single time I directly experience reality, I get the sense that it is not real. A certain solidity is absent. The whole world is a mirage & it, too, will pass. All of this will pass.
I’ve often wondered what would happen if gravity suddenly reversed itself. On my train ride home, I think about how I’d survive the confusion, and where I’d look for supplies.
“The whole world IS a mirage and it too will pass.”
(follow link to website)
Weird, huh?
I’ve used to tell myself that it would pass, that I just had problems with object permanence. Maybe I was broken, surely this world must be real, yet late nights I find myself talking to those that are beyond the illusion. Talking to a blank wall how criminals talk to mirrors not knowing for sure if anything or anyone laid beyond the wall. Prisoner in a lie as great as the size of the universe I feel, on the verge of throwing the chair at the mirror.
I say show me or suffer me crashing this existence to find out.
When I was little I was positive that we were all living in someone’s dream and that soon they would wake up–and it would all be over. This was comforting but confusing thought to me. Now, almost 34 years old, I still sometimes believe that idea–but I wonder if it is I who is dreaming and need to wake up.
Abigail—your photography and your words are so moving and beautiful. I am absolutely inspired by your grandness.
Connie – Thank you! It means a lot to me as I find you really inspiring as well