regenerate

(Originally written: 21st July 09 @ 6:49pm)

I realized Times Square is the last place you want to be at on a Friday night. Got lost looking for the Port Authority Bus Terminal, had absolutely no cash because I’d been afraid to go to an ATM alone for about a week, felt really frustrated but eventually got tickets for the 10pm bus. Night bus was scary – just like taking the night bus to Malaysia. I guess bus drivers speeding ridiculously at night is a global phenomenon. Never sit right at the back near the rear wheels. Why do I always do this?

I’ve been here, in America, for 5 weeks. How have I acclimatized to life so quickly? I haven’t in many ways, so I try to reassure myself whenever I feel stressed out. It is difficult. But I love it. I still love it so much. I still don’t want to leave. I only want to leave out of fear – that’s all. But more than anything what I really fear is returning to Singapore, to the horrible self-hating lifestyle I used to have. But I guess I can never really go back to that. I’m trying to move past having a concept of myself and trying to move towards living life directly. Direct contact with life is what I have always wanted. It’s totally possible here and now in this body.

I could definitely push myself to be able to live here… I’m still thinking – should I do this? Should I – once again – sacrifice my free time (and possibly freedom of thought) and try to enter that world once more? I can finish a degree easily if I want to. It would make immigration & work matters so much easier… It’s just – do I want to enter that world of doing something just to get a certain result? That process will change me – do I want to be changed like that? I’m still considering this. I’m still leaning towards ‘no’ because I am really fucking stubborn and I want things to work for me, my way because I know that it is possible because I’ve seen that others have done it.

I have to conform to something – the will of my heart or the will of society. The first path is so much harder, but so much more worth it and much easier in the long run, I know. Conforming to the will of society I see as being synonymous with health/mental problems. I do not want to go back to who I was in late 2007. I really fear that.

We have to choose our battles.

It bothers me because part of me is still depressed and anxious and I’m trying so hard not to focus on certain things, like – what will happen in the next few weeks? For once, I really can’t say – because things are so different here.

Unlike in Singapore, anything can happen in America. There are more possibilities open here. Or is this just a state of mind that I can bring with me anywhere I go? I’ve realized that although environment plays a huge factor in wellbeing & ability to live a good life, what’s more important is one’s state of mind & habits. I have nightmares of returning to Singapore. I have nightmares that this whole thing is over… I’ve decided that it will be over once I run out of cash and sadly I’m approaching that point. 2 more weeks of trying and that will be it. My life is truly on the wind now, isn’t it? It feels like it.

But I firmly believe that if you really, truly love something, you’ll have to let it go and it will have to come back to you. That’s just the way it is. I can’t hold on anymore because so much is beyond my control. I truly have to learn to let go. I am learning. I am thankful for what I’ve experienced here. It’s healed me, it’s helped me grow as a person.

Anyway, something is really happening in my life. In my subconscious, something very significant is taking place. I can’t really sense exactly what it is yet but this trip has affected me in ways that I cannot yet understand. I know this because my dreams are getting a lot stranger, I can barely even remember them anymore. And I feel like I’m anticipating something about to happen. Something rather huge. We will see in the next few weeks.

On Saturday night Chris & I went to a Chinese restaurant in Reading, PA for dinner. Interestingly, our fortune cookies said things extremely relevant to our current life situations (which we had an extended conversation about over dinner). This is what mine said: “Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.”