08:43 am: I can’t understand what it is I am experiencing so instead I will describe it here:

Sundown, Manhattan

Is this a near-ecstatic state of being? I used to think that this state of being was not possible in real life, I mean fundamentally I always KNEW without doubt that it was possible or else I wouldn’t be here but years and years of deadening my spirit in Singaporean society led me to other beliefs for a time.

Now I’ve uncovered the reality – that here it has been all along. Here I have been all along. This state of being – usually associated with how I feel after seeing an excellent film, listening to a piece of music, finishing an amazing novel – this expansion of self, I never thought it was possible to experience it directly in real life. But I am experiencing it now – as a result of what?

Here I am in Queens, truth be told, it isn’t the best place to live. I’m in a pretty shitty budget YMCA hostel with a shared bathroom that I can barely deal with but -

Os Gemeos mural, Coney Island

I’m sitting here crying so incredibly thankful to be alive. There is nothing to do. There is only direct and absolute contact with life itself. With the source of life. I feel it, I feel it so intensely right now. I can barely spell or type this out, I keep making mistakes and have to go back. I’ve become aware of levels of being that are far beyond what I previously experienced and yet are all inevitably parts of myself. This writing writes itself. I understand now, I’ve come to understanding in this moment. Maybe in the next moment it will be gone, but in this moment it is here.

And it isn’t about the mundane. It isn’t about travel, it isn’t about Singapore or New York or cultural comparisons anymore. It isn’t even about him or me, it isn’t about me. I just happen to be this person, to be concentrated here – or at least I think I am. In reality I am connected to something so vast I am aware now that I have no conception of it. In fact, it’s possibly not conceivable by a human mind.

Manhattan

I have known this all along, of course, it’s just been covered up by so many other beliefs. But they are not useless, it’s necessary to experience these things – at least it has been for me. But for now, now right in this moment I am experiencing the vast change I have been waiting my entire life for. I don’t know what to be other than thankful. Finally it is here, I am on the precipice and I cannot say what lies ahead of me. You see, the problem is not that there is no choice, or no energy. The problem is that there is too much choice and too much energy.

When I am connected to this, all I feel is so much love I can barely contain it. I’m afraid to lose myself, because I choose to remain here. And everything is a choice ultimately – it’s just whether or not we are aware that we’re making the choices. I understand some things now.

Manhattan

And the mundane – isn’t the mundane at all. It only appears to be. Everything appears to be certain things, but what everything truly is depends on what you choose to make of it.