regenerate

05:33 am: I’m feeling a lot of things that are new to me. Further and further down the rabbit hole. I always try to push things a little farther to test my limits and am often surprised when an entire world branches out from that little experiment. I did make the mistake I was afraid of making, but I suppose that it’s alright and in a way it’s good because at least I’m finding out what my limits are here.

I’m kind of surprised by how fast things are moving here in NYC. I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself and about human beings and I know that this is the place that I need to be if I want to learn about these things.

Interestingly, I can feel that there’s no way I’d ‘fit in’ anywhere here either, except on the surface if I were to conform to the culture here which I am, of course, completely unwilling to do because it goes against all the reasons that I came here. It was difficult to get here and so this time here is precious and cannot be wasted. My intentions were honest and they were pure and I must honour that part of me that is pure. In the hopes that it will grow and I can begin living life that is based more on purity of thought & feeling and less of contrivance and caring what other people think.

I must remember why I came here. I must constantly make the effort to remember and keep this in my heart. I came here to see the possibilities for a better life – and to live that better life. I so, so desperately want to settle down. It’s time for me to settle down already – but I have to be careful too. I think I need to honour this desire for stability too, because it is a part of me too. While there’s no way I could fit in here, I’m pretty certain that this society can accommodate me simply because it’s so diverse.

I have to keep remembering – I’m not here to become a part of New York. Rather, I’m here to see if the place is willing to accommodate me and my needs. Not the other way around. I can’t force myself to change to suit external circumstances anymore. If I want to conform, I can do that in Singapore. Here in America, I must learn to express my true self unapologetically (and also find out what that true self is).

Sometimes I feel the isolation creep in and it frightens me, dear God it really frightens me. I’m all alone here. No family or close friends for 1500km.

Then it hits me that I really need to build loving relationships from scratch, I really need to find my kindred spirits – that’s another reason I’m here. I need loving relationships that are real. Perhaps it’s not really a need but more of a want. I want to not have to do this alone anymore. I want to be among others. I want the chance to love. I want the chance for things to not be based on bullshit and contrivance anymore. I see just how intensely I feel and it frightens me – it frightened me in Singapore. And I came here only to realize that what I felt there was just the tip of the iceberg. I feel so intensely. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this intensely.

I don’t know. I’m confused about a lot of things. I suppose the only way to gain clarity is to pay attention and experience even more widely so I can understand what I want and what I don’t want. I do know that right now I need really positive, inspiring, loving and nurturing relationships and I can’t give energy or attention to any relationship that ultimately does not do this for me, friendship or otherwise.

I’m glad I did this whole thing you know? It’s been really rewarding, even if incredibly painful at times.