regenerate

02:55am: So I need to move to this continent ASAP. Basically, that’s settled. Not sure which city but New York is proving to be an excellent candidate and actually, the only thing that’s holding me back is the fear of being mugged/attacked/caused bodily harm and the healthcare problem with this country. I love North America. I haven’t been to Canada or anything, but I just love this continent so much. I feel absolutely compelled to live here for now.

I realized that NYC perfectly combines all the best aspects of all the cities I’ve visited in the last 3 years. It’s got elements of Tokyo, London, Perth and to some extent even Edinburgh. It’s got all the elements of those cities that particularly stood out to me. The only thing about those cities is that they all felt lacking somewhat. But not this one. New York is perfect in itself. I can’t tell you how happy (albeit light-headed and faint) I felt at Bryant Park this afternoon.

This is without a doubt the best place I’ve visited since I started travelling in ‘06. Definitely my favourite and I know I could live here. In fact it’s a little scary just how comfortable I feel. You’re almost not supposed to feel this comfortable 15,000km away from home in a cultural climate diametrically opposite to what you were raised with.

Walking around Manhattan today (and I just walked and walked for hours) I was really amazed by the sheer diversity of human life on the streets. Literally every corner of the world is represented here. And what’s so amazing is that all the people that are called to this country are way more interesting than the ones who stay in their homelands. Asians in Asia are so different from the Asians who move here. I heard so many languages today that I’ve never heard before. Saw so many people of indeterminate race. Heard so many different accents of English. I love it. This is exactly the level of stimulation I need.

I don’t know, maybe it’s in my blood, after all my grandparents were Indian immigrants. I think emigration is a wonderful thing – it’s so amazing to me because it’s like entering a whole different world. You cast off everything that was once familiar in what is essentially an act of faith in the hope that you can attract a better life & new circumstances. Well, I really and truly love America. I’m just so scared to say it because it’s not ‘my’ country (I wasn’t born here) and because it’s become very fashionable for foreigners to hate the US these days. And also I’m afraid something bad will happen and everyone’ll be like “I told you so”. I can’t stand the ideas about America most people have – and which they try to push on me. Seeing it now for what it is, being here, it’s beyond any idea I could possibly have held in my mind. I see what it is. And I like it. America is really different from the media image it portrays to the rest of the world.

So much of anything depends on your state of mind. I feel like the process of coming here has really hollowed me out and I’m ready, and finally America showed me a face of itself that I always wanted to see and that I saw only briefly on my last two trips here. Well today I saw everything I wanted to see so fully. I love this place so much and on my 3rd trip here this extremely strong emotional reaction hasn’t changed. I have to be here. It’s a part of me and I feel like so much more a part of life here than I ever could be in Singapore. I feel like I could really contribute something valuable to humanity in this environment.

It’s time I started following my heart, fully.

03:38am: I feel like crying because I am so happy, so comforted and so satisfied. And I never knew it was possible to feel like this in Earthly life. I felt like this last night as well. Just this profound sense that I’ve finally arrived and I am here.

And there is only this moment. Always and forever. There is nothing else.

08:56am: Starting to feel a little bit uneasy, felt this acutely at the departure gate at Singapore Changi Airport. Looking at all these people travelling with family, friends and significant others and wondering why I have to do this alone. Decided I probably never want to do it again, at least not for a while.

Anyway, I feel like I need stability. I’ve had a long period of freedom & exploration and now I need some stability. At least for a while. I need to be surrounded by people I love and care about and who love and care about me. I’m tired of pretending that I can do everything alone – I really can’t. Or perhaps I can but I don’t really want to.