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The light in LA the last evening I was there was pure magic.

The day before I was supposed to leave LA, I met Bones. It also stopped raining – the sun came up, the sky was absolutely clear (not a single cloud) and the weather was beautiful. I went to Melrose Ave and bought cat shoes.

In one evening and one afternoon we checked out the Santa Monica promenade, drove past the coast at sunset (absolutely beautiful), went to a drum & bass event, had an incredible breakfast, drove through Silver Lake & downtown LA, hung out in Echo Park & Little Tokyo. I remember mainly the brilliant sunlight that day.

That night I flew LAX-JFK. Several hours early at the airport, I bought a high-energy protein bar and watched a cop move around quickly (and, somehow, in a rather intimidating fashion) on his Segway. The flight was alright. It could’ve been so much worse. Virgin America has the best cabin interior design – super futuristic violet and magenta cabin lighting.

I remember mainly the lights of LA when seen from a plane at night. No other city has ever looked more impressive to my eyes.

Manila Ninoy Aquino International Airport

Good morning humans! I am now in America. I arrived in Los Angeles last night after two flights (amounting to 14 hours in total) and one 8-hour transit at Manila. I spent a lot of my time on my computer actually working. Then I ate, stared into space and tried, unsuccessfully, not to fall asleep. I did some sketches and took some video of the airport too.

Coming back to America this time feels even more natural than the last time. I feel happy and safe here. Everything’s amazing but in a different way from when I first arrived in New York City last June.

Every single American airport I’ve been to in my life (Chicago, LA, Orlando, NYC) more or less looks exactly the same on the inside. I actually like the way American airports look.

Philippines was an interesting place to transit in. I’ve never been there before. It’s always such a beautiful feeling to see the infrastructure of a city from the air. Especially if it’s a foreign city you’ve never been to before. So it was interesting to see Manila. It looked very messy – but having spent way too much of my life in conservative, uptight, so-tidy-it’s-inhuman Singapore, messiness and a bit of dirt is really welcome in my life at this point.

I realize that I do appreciate certain things about Singapore so much – this becomes more obvious the more I travel and especially when I do so alone. However, I also realize that it’s time for me to move on in life. I don’t know – perhaps it’s just the way things are in the world these days? I personally think it isn’t very healthy to one’s personal development to remain in one cultural environment your whole life. How much of human life can you experience like that? Being around people that have a global outlook, or who more or less want to experience different cultures and value travel, I feel comfortable and inspired. Travelling alone (which, when you first begin, is ridiculously scary) I feel more connected to humanity than ever.

Every time I travel I get reminded of how we’re all in this together – whether for better or for worse. Might as well make the best of it.

Interestingly I don’t feel so lonely at all this time around – mainly because there are so many people around me that I find it hard to be lonely! On the plane, in the airports, everywhere.

Flying is still really scary, but I’m getting used to it. Turbulence isn’t so much of a problem (both my flights were ridiculously smooth this time!) – it’s more of take-off and landing that really freak me out. Landing in both MNL & LAX was really not so good this time around. It’s mainly this really desperate fear of death that I experience. But then I always tell myself – we’re all gonna have to die someday and we don’t really have much control of when, where and how. And going down doing something that you love and are committed to – really is probably one of the better ways to die. When I think about it like this, it ceases to bother me so much.

Since the landing into LAX wasn’t the best, I also realized that it wasn’t really the fear of death that was causing me suffering as much as it was resisting the present moment. That was quite an interesting thing to realize. You see, life is not without fear or difficulty. If we’re going to spend our entire lives trying to avoid fear and pain – it’s totally possible, but you’ll also manage to cut out a lot of joy (I lived like that for a very long time). I don’t think life is always about always being able to get exactly what you want… it’s more of the process that you go through, the experience you have growing into the person that you want to become.

I accept fear as a part of life – sometimes ‘negative’ experience are necessary for growth. A life without growth – that is something I’m truly afraid of. That’s something I know that money (no matter how much) or social standing can ever make up for.

So, in short. First day in LA. Everything is wonderful. There isn’t much else to say now. I’m pretty certain I’m on the precipice of something major, but I’m excited, eager and very grateful for everything.

I have to get a photo of LA at night one of these days. The lights of the city at night, especially when seen from elevated ground, are unbelievably beautiful.

Seems fitting that I’m posting this just a few hours before getting on a plane to return to the United States. It’s taken me four and a half months to cut this video – mainly because it brings the memories back in a way that really, really affects me. I’ve never created something that so closely approximated life itself to me. I have no idea if anyone else will see this, or understand it – probably not? Since we all have completely different experiences. But maybe somehow, somewhere there will be some connection.

I’ve been up all night finishing work and packing, which is good because it leaves me less time to think.

I have no idea what will happen this time.

I remember now what I felt on that last bus back from Reading, PA to New York City.

It was purest love.

It was the understanding that I could take care of myself. It was the knowledge (from some faculty that could comprehend what the mind could not) that everything was going according to plan – even if it didn’t seem such on the surface. It was finality – that I experienced what I had to experience and that the experience was ending. That I could choose to let go completely – and that that would feel wonderful. Like soaring. Like being guided. (This would prove extremely difficult in the next few months and I would struggle immensely with it.)

It was the knowledge that I would return. Because it was only natural to do so. I found my place in this world. It took years and years of searching and freaking out thinking that I might never find what I was looking for. Years of uncertainty (but absolute certainty on some deep level). It took years of darkness, meaninglessness. But I finally found something that put everything into perspective, that made all those years worthwhile.

I carried that something in my heart for the next five months. Knowing it was there made certain that I could never again sink to the depths to which I used to before. I knew that I would return, somehow.

And now I make my way back.

“And it’s love that holds you / You can never let it go”

Words from music that led me to New York City in the first place. Words I lived by when I was there. Words that lead me back – the realization that we are not the doers but that we live, breathe and have our being in something else entirely.

And in the moments that we can truly sense our connection to this something else, everything makes sense and we override all thoughts of fear, uncertainty and lack completely.

It’s not just about New York – it’s about life ultimately and the universe and how I regained my faith in everything after having lost it for so long that I really believed I would die miserably never knowing it again. But yet, simultaneously, on a deeper level always knowing that the beauty of the world was so immense that it would inevitably find it’s way through the cracks.

Things are coming to fruition and it’s a wonderful feeling. Things are coming full-circle. I feel like I’m having a beautiful first-hand experience of watching something grow and finally begin to bear fruit – of closely observing an organic process. Slow growth. Slow and steady, I keep telling myself.

I feel good – I feel full. I feel like I did the right thing. Somewhere along the line I made a decision that sat well with me – that was an act of kindness to myself. An act of nurturing myself.

The Mad Capsule Markets‘ ‘Gaga Life’ is such an awesome video – I love it!:

They’re also mainly what I’ve been listening to this past week (along with the now-usual Black Flag, Rage Against the Machine and Presidents of the USA).

I’ve also been listening to The Kominas‘ ‘Wild Nights in Guantanamo Bay’ album. Ayesha is one of my favourite tracks from it. Luscious Jackson’s ‘Fever In Fever Out‘ is also really beautiful and chill and always reminds me of New York City at night. Here is Under Your Skin from that album which also happens to be a cool video.

Destroyx.com is damn inspiring – I love her fashion + design sense, her updates about Angelspit on tour and her awesome new jewellery line!

Animosity & Drumcorps – Altered Beast (full download – free): Excellent, high energy music. Can you really ever say no to free music (especially when it’s this good?).

While we’re on the topic of excellent free music, today I’ve been listening to Geocode’s ‘384.790′ which you can download for free at noumenon & phenomenon.

Notes on Breakcore is damn good stuff! I saw it yesterday:

As always it makes me feel good to know that there is such awesome music in the world out there, somewhere  You can of course get it on TPB.

China’s Empty City – The Ghost City of Ordos:

I’m not sure what I find so appealing about ghost cities but man… I’d love to go there and take pictures!

And finally, Coilhouse Issue 04 is out – I got mine in the mail in the last week or so. It is of course absolutely wonderful and I can’t figure out how they keep managing to outdo themselves every time.

I’ve been away a while, mainly focussing on my trip to the United States later this month. Think it will be interesting to return to New York, and to see LA again for the second time since 1996. Anyway here’s what I’ve been up to:

Making digital art:

I also finally finished a series I started quite some time back called Becoming the Machine. Here’s the last image in the series:

You can also check out 01, 02, and 03.

Oddly enough, I’ve been drawing! Well actually I drew these in New York and I coloured them back here in Singapore:

I had two awesome photoshoots with the gorgeous and fun Pre:

Also, I got a cool haircut. This is the shortest I’ve gone in months, and I guess after experimenting with slightly longer hair in the last year, I’ve realized that I really prefer to have it this short at all times Pre took this great photo:

Video I shot while waiting for a flight at JFK and transiting at Narita. Also posted on YouTube if you prefer that.

“Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done.”
- Robert A. Heinlein

“The essence of life is statistical improbability on a colossal scale.”
- Richard Dawkins

“For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love.”
- Carl Sagan

(Thanks to @SaganSchools for these wonderful quotes)

Photos I took in America in '96

Hands down the best thing about this week is this – that I finally have secured a flight to the United States for January next year. I can’t really put into words how I feel about this – nor do I want to. It makes me feel really, really good to even just think about returning – just seems like an incredibly comforting thought to return to what is so far my favourite country EVAR. Also – I actually fly in to Los Angeles this time and will be spending a few days there before continuing on to New York City. So if you have any recommendations about what I should see in LA or even NYC, tell me!

Apart from that, these two videos from TED India really made my day. Both are incredibly inspiring. First is Devdutt Pattanaik’s ‘East vs. West – The myths that mystify‘ which contrasts Eastern and Western mythology and how these myths affect how different societies act, react and interact. Personally, because of my totally weird cultural background (being a mostly-Indian, part-Eurasian, growing up in mostly-Chinese yet English-speaking Singapore) I feel really caught between both worldviews. What’s truly amazing to me about this video is this – it made me consider that the world is big enough to accommodate points-of-view that are diametrically opposite to each other. Which to me basically took a lot of pressure off trying to conform to somebody else’s idea of what is, and instead leads me to search further for a worldview that inspires me most. I swear that this search is exactly why I wake up every morning.

The second video is Pranav Mistry’s awesome demo of Sixth Sense technology! Bringing the human-ness back into our interaction with technology.

I love my new glasses!:

The importance of feeling good now by Abraham-Hicks always gets me back on track. Every time I listen to them everything becomes much simpler!

Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette:

The beauty of this film is quite astounding. The production design & cinematography are gorgeous but I think the soundtrack is really pure genius (Aphex Twin and New Order!). There are some indescribably beautiful moments in this film – this scene in particular: (though I can’t stress how much it needs to be seen on DVD at the very least!)

And finally – I love these photos:
Chicken Man and Chicken Man & Crabby by SpecialKRB.
my kinda skyline by Luna Park.
alright by Gala Darling.
13th Street by Lush Photo.
Pfeiffer Arch Portal – Big Sur, California by Kendra Karr.

I have this great fear that everything is totally empty. Cardboard cities – empty of meaning. Nothing is real. For some reason, this meaninglessness comes through most strongly at night.

I remember experiencing this while having drunken late-night conversations with friends in Singapore. Looking up at empty buildings in downtown Kyoto. On a bus approaching New York City – in motion, seeing the bright lights of the Manhattan skyline. Beautiful, yet empty. Empty, yet beautiful.

Somehow on a plane you become a lot more aware of how brittle our reality is. In the next moment you could be…

I remember when I was a child I used to lie on the sofa with my head touching the ground and imagine that reality was upside down. I used to imagine myself walking on the ceiling. After a while I’d get dizzy & sit up normally again. I would just be really amazed at how strange reality was – were 3D objects really ‘real’? I always thought there was a certain hollowness to them.

Now I can go and I have no desire to return.

The desire to return, the conditioned thought patterns are really what pull us back. But it’s okay because we want to experience desire. And we finally depart when we have truly had enough of it. It’s important to be honest.

Strange, floating world of illusion.

Every single time I directly experience reality, I get the sense that it is not real. A certain solidity is absent. The whole world is a mirage & it, too, will pass. All of this will pass.